Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
