So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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