Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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