so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
