i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
PANTIES FOUND
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