Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
