my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
