Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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