Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
