I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize