I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
