I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
