the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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