Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
