I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
