just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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