im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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