My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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