everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
