Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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