i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
