Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
