Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
