I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
