6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I am morally bankrupt
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Damn victory sex feels great
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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