I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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