Moan for me like Helen Keller
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
