she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
