Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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