if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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