It's like God shit irony all over that family
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
