ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
