I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
