Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
