I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
