Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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