well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
