Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize