i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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