I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize