Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
