none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
