Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
God gave him joint rollers for hands
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You made out with two different species that night
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
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