So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
