areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
