when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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