I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
