so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
