i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You did what with his pubic hair?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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