I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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