i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
