theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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