it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just threw up on my dentist
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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