the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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