He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
