Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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