Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
