Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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