I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
