Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
