He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
