there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize