Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
