I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
